Note: All information below is true and I swear to it all on my very being, if you choose not to believe then so be it. Its your blindness.
Everytime I get banned I seem to make a blog that may seem like I'm asking for sympathy and/or attention, but I can assure you that is far from the truth. Each time I get banned I come to a realization about my errors and wrongdoings, and not only that, this time I've come across how serious it truly is.
People of the RP Fear wiki. I've manipulated you, hurt you, bothered you and torn you all apart. I'm a selfish b*tch for being so blind to it all and I'll never forgive myself for it. I've wondered for months now why I had slipped into a depression, why I had purposely hurt myself. I thought it all due to my schooling, turns out it was only a shred of the issue. I was once again, wrong.
Hurting you guys hurt me more than you know, it drove me to near insanity, boiled my emotions until I'd overload and lash out, causing more sorrow and regret, this repeated itself for too long, until I simply cracked. Something I said I wouldn't do soon became a common thing, now these scars mark my body forever.
I can't even begin to tell you all how many times I've sat at my laptop crying my eyes out after one of my little episodes, only to end each one in the bathroom with a new mess to clean up. I can't take hurting you all. I can't take tearing relationships apart. I can't take blaming others anymore. I was too afraid to take responsibility for my mistakes, and now I truly do realize how bad it is.
One thing I did was tear my best friend away from me, I pushed her away and I still thought I had done nothing wrong. How could someone do that and not care you ask? Well I'll tell you that they can't not care. I DID care and I still do! I HATE myself for it! HATE!
And here's the raw truth. Something I NEVER EVER thought I'd come to.
After months of pain to not only you all, but me.
I nearly took my life on Saturday.
And I don't mean thought about it, I mean that I had what I needed in my hand to do it, plus several other things I could use. Death looked me in the face and never looked so inviting, to stop all the CONSTANT pain I cause you all, to stop the tears, to end the issue.... Me.
So here it is.
Should I not make it to Christmas, or even to this Friday, know that I DO love ALL of you. You're like the family I wish I had, but would only hurt through my ignorance. I love all of you even if I never showed it, even if I insulted you, even if I threatned you...
Its too late to take these scars back, too late to take everything I said back, too late to take back to tears I cry as I type this... the blood on the floor..... I can't take it anymore... Not the pain of my actions...
It'll mark my soul forever.
Just know.
I love you.